Tantalus' Next Big Heist
by IronDeadpool
Summary: Baku decides that it's time to clear all of his debts with the next big plot for Tantalus! How will he do it? Read and find out!


He sat within the captain's cabin of the Prima Vista. There were few times when he asked his boys for _anything_...but no was a time more than ever that he needed something from them. Primarily, Zidane, one of his more world-wise crew members. Baku didn't need knowledge, nor did he need Zidane's excellent thieving skills, though they would more than likely come in handy. The shimmering, well oiled cogs were churning in his head and his eyes were closed beneath the goggles he wore. His large fingers tapped against the smooth mahogany of his desk and his fingers stroked through his thick lavender beard, his lips curved into a thoughtful frown. He heard the footsteps from outside his door, his small animal-like ears swivelling into an upward position as he heard the doorknob of his cabin turn and the door swing open on creaky hinges. "Yo, boss! You called for me?" Came Zidane's voice, and Baku almost felt bad for what he was going to ask him.

"Son..." Baku started, and instantly Zidane knew something was up, because the boss _never_ used that word unless something was _very_ important, he even grew concerned. "I need to ask something of you...y'see-" Baku was interrupted as the monkey thief put his hands up in a "say no more" gesture. "No worries, pops! I got it! I'll definitely take over Tantalus for you!" Zidane said, smiling wide and standing up, his tail swishing about. The large man stared at the young man, in a state of shock, bewilderment...and utter amusement. He broke out into his trademark laugh, drawing a confused stare from one of his most trusted crewmen. "GWAHAHAHA! You damned fool! You think I'd give Tantalus over to _you?_ You'd run it into the ground!" He cried out, hardly able to hold back his laughter, his seat shaking and creaking beneath his girth as he chuckled and finally breathed out a heavy sigh, settling down.

Zidane's scowl showed his disdain for this whole charade, his arms crossing over his chest. "Get to the point, boss." Baku was busy wiping tears from his eyes before he put on a more serious face. Looking around slowly, as though someone else might be hiding in a dark corner of his cabin before he grabbed the young man by his shoulder, pulling him close with a single tug of his muscular arm. "Listen...yer older brother...Kuja...he's got lotsa money, right?" He asked, staring Zidane directly in the eye, his lips a neutral line to show that he meant business. "W-well...yeah, I guess. Why you askin', old man? Zidane asked cautiously, staring at him with a wary eye. It was a request that Baku wasn't too keen on asking of him and he brought his hands back. "I'm just assumin' that he wouldn't be willing to just give it up to ya. And if my information is correct...he's got the incesty hots for ya." Baku said with a sly grin as he let his arms cross over his bulbous stomach.

Zidane blushed furiously at the notion but knew it to be true, looking off to the side. "Yeah? So what?" The monkey boy muttered as he scowled, his lips curved into a frown. One of Baku's furry eyebrows cocked and he chuckled, the candlelight flickering from his desk making his smile seem that much more wicked than it was, his large teeth glistening faintly. "Well, Zidane, yer gonna marry your brother! Then, Tantalus is gonna reap all the benefits and flee the scene! Y'see, we're gonna host the wedding, banquet, and all that jazz. Then, when you marry Kuja and have access to his money, we'll bail you out! Gwahahaha! It's a fool-proof plan if I've ever concocted one!" Baku explained with a big smile on his face the whole time, then noted the look of displeasure on his crew member's face. "Eh? What the hell's wrong? You think it's got somethin' wrong with it?" Baku asked with a scowl, eying Zidane with a look of warning.

The youth slammed a fist down on Baku's desk in protest. "You're damn right I do! The fact that I'm the only one who seems to be sacrificing anything to do this!" Zidane hollered with a frown. This drew an annoyed sigh from his lips and Baku began to stroke his lavender beard slowly once more, running his fingers through the smooth, silky hair before dropping a hand atop his stomach. "That's mighty selfish of you, considerin' all the crap Tantalus has done for ya. I've got debts to pay and more repairs to do on my precious Prima Vista before we can get back into the Theater game again. But whatever. Get the hell outta my office, I'll find a different leading man!" Baku waved a massive hand to his door and turned away from Zidane, signalling that they were done talking, a disappointed glare in the large man's eyes. The monkey boy hesitated momentarily before walking out quickly. As soon as he heard the door shut, a sly grin spread across his face and he nodded slowly, bringing up a small drawing of the princess he'd had an artist draw, on the back was Garnet's autograph AKA her signature. He picked up a quill and set to work on the next phase of his plan.

He arrived in Alexandria, stepping through the gates with little trouble, in fact he was handing out dried meat to the guards as he walked in and smiled. "Well, boys! Where can I find yer Captain Steiner? I gotta speak to him!" He said, donned in a long blue robe that was his "goin' out" attire with his normal outfit beneath it. The guards, between bites of jerky, told him that he would be patrolling in the town at the time, which was perfect. It meant he'd be able to get the stubborn knight captain alone. So, as he perused the town's knight supply, he finally came across the big lummox and smiled. This would be a piece of cake, convincing the knight to take on the role of someone he truly didn't like in the first place. Well...maybe not a piece of cake, but it'd be a welcome challenge to the leader of Tantalus. Besides, he had something that could easily sway the man in his direction if push came to shove. As Baku approached, Steiner's eyes rolled and a look that said "please go away" covered his face like a veil.

"What's wrong, tin man? Not happy to see me?" Baku asked, giving the man's shoulder a powerful clap, causing him to stumble to the side a bit from the force of the hit, reminding the captain just how strong he was. A scowl creased Steiner's face and he sighed, "Honestly...I was hoping I wouldn't have to see you again." Baku simply laughed at this, his tell-tale laugh that made his very belly shake. "Gwahaha! Well, captain, I've got a proposition for ya! Ever wanted to get married to a pretty gu-girl?" Baku asked, smiling and stroking his beard slowly as he watched the man give him a wary glare. "Well? How 'bout an actor? Get yer name in ink on the posters! It's bound to make ya pretty damn famous, kid!" Then again, this seemed rather irrelevant given the knight's previous performance when he'd unknowingly stumbled onstage and totally squandered his lines. Then again, this time he would be prepared and far less distracted with protecting the princess.

The captain seemed to mull it over, tilting his head and bringing a hand up to scratch his chin, a scowl upon his face. "I'm afraid I can't. My knightly duties will not permit such things, as luxurious as your offer is, I must decline in the name of the queen!" Steiner said dutifully, as was expected, but Baku had a Plan B to his original Plan B. Plans required branches, if you didn't plan ahead of previous plans, surely plans would go awry and you'd just have a jumbled mess of things to come! He produced the drawing, clearing his throat and unfurling it, facing the picture toward himself and allowing Steiner to take a gander at what was written. He stared skeptically at the piece of paper, terrible handwriting littering the back of the picture...though it bared the signature of Garnet Til Alexandros, there was no mistaking it. The letter read as follows:

I hereby relinqwish Captain Steiner of his dooties, so that he may purform in the next Tantalus play.[-In Baku's shitty handwriting]

~Garnet Til Alexandros[-In Garnet's pretty handwriting]

It was something Baku had snagged from Cinna, in all his Garnet fanboyism, he'd proven useful, perhaps even essential to Baku's back-up plan if Zidane didn't go through with it. Steiner's lower lip quivered, hesitating quite a bit, his eyes glancing from the sheet of paper and back up to the leader of Tantalus, who was holding out the paper for him to read as many times as he needed the captain stood up straight, he rolled the paper back up and stuffed it back into his pocket, grinning as he crossed his arms over his barrel chest. "Well, what do ya say, rust bucket? Wanna take on the lead role in my upcoming sca-play? Unfortunately, you'll have to be playing a person you rather dislike...but I have methods to teach you how to act.." Baku explained, nodding slowly as he looked up to the sky, the blue of the bright afternoon sky reflecting from his goggles.

"How could you _possibly_make me look like that little ruffian? Perhaps this is not such a fruitful endeavor to pursue..." Steiner said, apparently disheartened by the fact that he'd have to act like Zidane. A cheshire grin swept across Baku's features and he brought an arm about the shoulders of the man, shaking him and causing the armor he wore to rattle in protest. "Come now. If ya don't get outta your comfort zone, you're gonna be a damn terrible actor! Nobody'll wanna see your plays! You'll be a has-been without even having been a have-been! You don't want that do ya? Now, I'm a master of making my crew look like they must during a show. So don't you worry your soon to be monkey little head about it! Baku's got a plan...Gwahaha...ahh! Ahhhh...! ACHOOO!" He suddenly sneezed all over Steiner's shoulder plate, a look of disgust creasing his features as he wiped it off with a gloved hand, sniffling. "Guh! Still not over that goddamn cold!"

Baku began to walk away, waving over his shoulder at the captain and smiling, "I'll have some of my people come along and get you after a while, Captain! I've got some preparations to make!" He called out over his shoulder, walking out of the city limits and through the grassy plains just outside of it. Monster lurked here, and he hadn't even had his massive blade on his person. He wasn't too concerned about such things, so he did little to conceial his massive presence as he made his way back to where the Prima Vista was "docked". Boarding the ship, the leader nodded to the twins and smiled, "Wait a while and go collect Steiner. Then we'll start making our costume for the man! Surely this will be our best show yet! Even if it's more comedy than tragedy! Gwahahaha!"

The stage was set, a beautiful wedding setting. It had taken a few weeks but now the Prima Vista was nestled within the bosom of Kuja's castle. It was risky, much like with what had happened when they'd tried to escape from the Alexandria Castle. He shuddered at the thoughts of chained harpoons piercing his ship's hide once again, stroking his beard nervously. Baku was ready for such an event, he had prepared himself for such an occasion and it wouldn't happen again. Nobody would riddle his ship with giant holes again. It had taken them _weeks_ to get the goddamn harpoons out! His ears twitched and swivelled into a more ready position as he heard heavy footsteps and "Zidane" walked into the room. "This is silly. I am beginning to have second thoughts. And why on _earth_would Zidane marry his brother? What kind of sick and twisted play is this?" Steiner protested, wearing a blonde, center parted wig and Zidane's usual attire, which looked quite odd on a man of his girth and stature.

"Don't question me, fool! Zidane's got his reasons! Now get out there and act like you've never acted before! And probably never will act again! Gyahahaha!" Baku stated loudly, clapping his shoulder hard and sending the man stumbling to the side slightly. Baku wore a priest's outfit, completely black though a cross necklace was hidden under his thick beard. Of course he would be the one to marry the two, he was the "father" of Zidane, of course, so why not give him away in more ways than one? This would, of course, prove his blessing of the joining two-fold. Benero and Zenero weren't an integral part of the ceremony, so they'd be trying to locate all the cash while one of the other men acted as the ring bearer. Black and Marcus were acting as Steiner-Zidane's best men, snickering all the while at the misfortune of the knight captain. Kuja, of course, hadn't yet seen Steiner dressed as Zidane. However, Baku was sure that he would believe it, as it was probably one of his best costumes yet.

Then, Kuja began to walk down the isle, adorned in a white dress, which sent Baku mixed feelings. He was pretty, for a guy, but that wasn't saying much in the way of this whole wedding being right. It was still an act, after all. As soon as Kuja stepped up and looked at Baku with a bit of a smile and turned to look at Zidane...his eyes narrowed a bit. "My, Zidane...you've let yourself go." Kuja whispered as he stared at Steiner, seeming more than a little disgusted. Baku was ready, if need be, to act outraged that somebody would pose as Zidane. "B-but...I thought you...loved me...for my personality, Kuja dear!" Steiner said, his voice nervous and shaky. Highly imperfect for what was going on. Baku shifted uneasily and scowled in the man's direction. Kuja, glanced at Baku and back at Steiner before giving a "hmph!" and crossing his arms over his chest. "Very well...get on with-" Kuja began but was interrupted by a familiar voice, causing all heads to turn in the direction of the Prima Vista. "Heyyy! How can you have a wedding without me?" Zidane called out, wearing a suit of sorts and instantly Steiner began to sweat.

Baku smirked a bit, so the little runt had had a change of heart and decided to show up for his own wedding anyway. The leader's heavy hands smashed down onto the altar in outrage, eyes widening beneath his goggles. "An imposter? You crafty devil! How _dare_ you trick us into thinking you wanted to marry this...err...beautiful man!" Baku said half-heartedly, not wanting to say it at all, honestly. Kuja looked both confused and outraged, his hands glowing and causing Baku to take a couple steps back, nervous as he saw magic at work. Then, an explosion forced Steiner off the ground and launched him high into the air and past the castle walls. _At least it wasn't one of us...that damn fool ruined his own act anyway._Baku thought to himself, smirking at Zidane who walked up and stood next to Blank and Marcus, facing Kuja with a smile on his face. A surprisingly pleasant smile made its way across the pretty man's face as well and Baku felt a tad disgusted, but looked quite happy on the outside.

He went through the whole shpiel of wedding vows and the like and finally came to the conclusion. "Do you, Kuja, take this man as your husband, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" Baku asked, grinning as he looked at Zidane, who had a sly smile on his face. "I do~" Kuja said with a proud smile, his eyes seeming to light up as though this day had been expected for a long time. "Do you, Zidane, take this man to be your husband through sickness and in health, till death do you part?" Baku repeated, finding it odd to repeat the same line but nevertheless it was for a good purpose. Good for them at least. "I do." Zidane said with a big, cheesy smile on his face. "Then you may kiss the-" He began, but an explosion interrupted him. Baku reeled around quickly to see the explosion coming from where the Nero brothers had been and hoped they hadn't triggered some kind of alarm before getting the cash.

Kuja stared in disbelief at the explosion and Baku glanced at him before looking to the other three, Blank, Zidane, and Marcus. "That's our cue to go, fools! It's time to make our grand exit!" He whispered urgently, glancing off in the distance to see the Nero brothers carrying huge bags of money, jewels, and all the sort into the ship. Though they were closely followed by about three Bombs. The four of them began their charge to the boat and glanced over their shoulders at Kuja, who was looking around and finally noticed that they were leaving. One of Kuja's slaves walked up to him and the man simply said, "_Don't_let them leave." The assistant nodded and a few minutes later, Prima Vista was getting ready to take off and the cannons were at the ready. Baku ran into the Captain's cabin, grasping his sword and grinning as he ran out to the deck, knowing what was coming next.

Massive harpoons were launched in the direction of the ship and he charged at the first incoming one, lunging up into the air and swinging his sword with such massive power that the razor sharp blade cleaved it in two, causing it to fall harmlessly to the deck before sliding off. "Gyahahaha! Fools! You think these damn harpoons'll work again? Oh shi-!" He watched as another emerged and he quickly spun a quick circle, deflecting the harpoon off to the side and clumsily stumbling before spotting yet another harpoon that was heading straight for the back of the ship. He fell right on his ass, however, as it plunged into the back end of the ship and he growled, quickling running to the railing and planting a heavily booted foot upon the rail, looking down at the harpoon. Below, he could see Steiner running frantically after the ship with Bombs chasing close behind. "What's wrong, Captain? You can't handle a few bombs on your own? GWAHAHAHA!" He called out below as he smirked, drawing an annoyed scowl from the captain. He watched as the chain was suddenly jerked tight and the ship came to an abrupt halt, usiing that momentum, Baku jumped off and swung his massive sword downward, cleaving through the chain with little effort. Utilizing a mixture of his own weight, strength, and the momentum of the stopping ship to cleave through the chain.

Just before he started falling, he let one hand release the sword and grasped onto the massive chain, dangling mere feet above the ground. He brought a hand up, sliding the sword into its sheath upon his back and holding his hand out for Steiner, "C'mon, y'damn fool!" He screamed as the ship began to move once again and Steiner grabbed onto his hand quickly and the leader yanked him up to his level, allowing him to grab the other half of the chain. The climb up the massive binding was a long one, but luckily they didn't have to worry about anymore harpoons and the like. He climbed onto the deck and gave a heavy sigh, wiping sweat from his brow and looking around at all the members of the crew that had gathered around and helped him up, ignoring Steiner's pleas for help as Baku brushed himself off and gave a big grin. "How's the haul, boys?" He asked as he looked around, all eyes falling upon the Nero brothers, who gave a cheer before a larger cheer rose up among them all. "Gyahaha! We'll drink and feast tonight! Our debts will be fully paid and we'll be able to upgrade and repair the ship to its former glory, and then some! Get some rest, fools! We've got work to do later!" Baku shouted as he walked over, yanking Steiner over the railing and beginning to walk away, suddenly jerking as a spontaneous sneeze assaulted him.

"ACHOOOO!"


End file.
